What is Forgiveness?

.from Joanna's notepad

What is Forgiveness?
Orthodox people ask this question.  

St. Philaret of NY says that only God's forgiveness is so complete that He does not remember.*  We can strive towards that ideal, but I'm not sure how hard we should try in every case -- God endowed us with reason and memory for a purpose.    To understand what forgiveness is, we can consider what it is not.   And forgetting is not necessarily a component.

I did a Google search:  | Bible "forgive and forget" | 
 here is what AI says:

"Forgive and forget" is not a direct biblical phrase, though the Bible commands complete forgiveness, often modeled on God's, who chooses to "remember sins no more" (Hebrews 8:12). While God "blots out" transgressions (Isaiah 43:25), for humans, this means releasing bitterness and not holding wrongs against someone, rather than experiencing literal amnesia.

I like that — "not literal amnesia."  It makes sense.  How can it be good for us to pretend something never happened?  Isn't pretending something akin to lying?  You certainly want to remember that the hot stove will burn you, and you certainly don't want to pretend it won't burn you again.

Looking at the idea of forgetting from another angle, — the example Christ gives of the lender forgiving a debt.  Here the debt is forgotten, as if the money were never borrowed.  Nothing is owed.   The "record" of the loan is erased.

But I can imagine a case where, a borrower might come a second time and ask to borrow money again.  I imagine the lender using his reason and his memory saying,

      "I remember you at one time had trouble re-paying a loan.  I don't want to lend to you because it is reasonable to consider you are a high risk.  Not only could I lose my money, it could hurt our friendship if you fail to repay me in a timely manner.  But, I should be able to give you some alms, at least for part of the sum you are asking.  Let me go home and look over my budget and I willl get back to you."  

A word that seems to be tied up with forgiveness is "offenses."  Today on Forgiveness Sunday we ask each other to forgive us our offenses, in case in any way we might have offended one another.

A true story:  the day that Fr. Seraphim died (Sept. 2, 1982) he appeared to Helen Kontsevich in a dream, to say good-bye.  He left her with his stern warning never to take offense at anyone.  This is worthy to ponder.  It was not clear if he meant intended or unintended offenses, or both.  This seems like a good podvig for all of us to consider and follow.  

The remedy for being offended or for offending is forgiveness.   But how much greater it is to instead forestall any ill-feelings simply by not taking or accepting the offense in the first place.  There is no need for forgiveness if an offense has not occurred.  But after the offense has occurred,  then our recourse is forgiveness. 

How to do this effectively...  each case will be different, but right away we can see the more successful the forgiveness, the lesser will be the damage, the quicker will be the recovery, and the less likely it is that additional related offenses will follow.  I think it is most important, to do forgiveness right, there has to be no lies involved, no pretending.

An example would be the husband who cheats on his wife.  It would be wrong to pretend that it never happened.  The consequences need to be faced with courage by both husband and wife.  Something has been lost, destroyed, that can never be reclaimed.  For the sake of the children, they might decide to continue keeping the household together even though the marriage is ruined.   Or they may decide to dismantle the household.  Either way, they must honestly face the consequences, not try to pretend it did not happen, or that it can eventually be undone.   Whatever solution is decided, forgiveness is necessary -- whether there is a divorce or not.  It would be wrong for the husband to demand the wife prove her forgiveness by pretending to still have a marriage.  (Or, worse, by pretending they could have a marriage again if she would forget, — effectively shifting the fault to her...)   It is very important for a successful forgiveness that there be no lies, no pretending included with the forgiveness.  

Even before this element of no lies and no pretending, there is something even more important to determine before trying to use forgiveness to remedy an offense.  Ask, what is it that is being forgiven?  I think people get confused about this.  Is it something that can actually be forgiven?  Does it qualify as an "offense" that can be wiped off the slate?  Go back a few paragraphs where I wrote: 

     A word that seems to be tied up with forgiveness is "offenses."  Today on Forgiveness Sunday we ask each other to forgive us our offenses, in case in any way we might have offended one another.

 

Specifically see the part, "...forgive us our offenses..."   This is not simply "forgive us."  We are not asking to be forgiven for being who we are, or for what we are.  We can forgive the cat for scratching up the furniture, but it is not reasonable to think you can forgive the cat for being a cat.  I'm reminded of the story of the monk who carried a snake down a mountain.  He was bitten, and when he complained the snake said, "But you knew I was a snake when you picked me me."   If you don't pick up a snake, how could that reasonably mean you are being "unforgiving," or worse — "judging"?

An example of calling it an offense when it is not an offense:  

Remember back in 2007 when we in ROCOR were told to forgive the MP?  Yes, MP committed many crimes against the ROCOR before the fall of Communism.  And MP continued to commit crimes against ROCOR after the fall of Communism, as well.   But, we were told to "let bygones be bygones."   Look again here.  We can surely forgive the crimes MP committed against us, but that forgiveness does not change what MP is.  MP is a fake Church.  Forgiveness is not going to turn MP into a real Church.   It is unfair to ask us to prove our forgiveness by joining the MP.  We can forgive the MP of its offenses against us without joining it. 

We've heard of such a thing as "false humility."  I suggest there is also such a thing as "false forgiveness."  In all cases of false forgiveness there is that red flag of some kind of lie or pretense being added in.  In the example of the MP, to join the MP we would be pretending MP is something that it is not.   Believing a lie, that there is hope MP will change AFTER we join it, (or even because we join it!)  This is a blatant lie, a blatant ignoring the facts before your eyes as things are now right in front of us.   Wherever you find a lie — know that God is not there.  Run the other way.  Don't participate in a lie.  Even if everyone thinks you are wrong.  Better to be alone now than separated from Truth in eternity.

May we all have successful at forgivings during this Great Lent.  

Dear Readers, 
   Please forgive me.  Even if I have not offended you personally, I have offended and harmed the Body of Christ with my laziness and wasteful habits. 
Joanna 

*see St. Philaret's sermon on "Blaspheme Against the Holy Spirit" in the book: St. Philaret of New York – His Collected Works, © 2024 Sbn. Nektarios Harrison, M.A.  ISBN: 979-833-571-5430, p. 343
 

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